Wednesday, September 01, 2004
We had sex … ibinde and very boring. Before sinxibe uye wabuza ukuba we could have “just one more round”. Yonke into emveni koko iye yaba-right, until she popped the question. Hayi! Not lowo umbuzo! … Uye wabuza if she could “call me sometime”
Into malungana ne-one night stands yile yokuba … they are supposed to be “one-night stands”, into ekufanele iphoselwe kwelokulibala.
Ndizive ndizibuza … what is this one-night stand? Ingaba yinto ekhoyo? Ngohlobo endibona ngalo is that, i-one night stand (or the concept of it thereof) yinto nje that exists kwingqondo zethu or maybe something that forms part of imbatyo, our fantasies and innermost desires. Inyaniso yile, by having a one-night stand umntu uthatha i-risk. Ya! Kukho lento ye-AIDS ekufuneka sisoloko sizikhusele kuyo, kodwa kukho i-risk yokuba you’re going to expose yourself komnye umntu. Exposing your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities! And then, kukho i-risk yokuba uzakuba ne-feelings for lomntu uthe walala naye.
Ingxaki? Ayikho ukuba ninobabini share the same sentiments, kodwa ikhona xa omnye ecinga ukuba ngenxa ye-one night stand leyo, kukuqala of the “they lived happily ever after” story, while omnye umntu is on a completely different page.
So, back to my story … kuba ndilinene, ndiyendamxelela ukuba she can call nangona deep down, bendisazi ukuba talking to her was into yokugqibela ubendifuna ukuyenza. Besides ukuba ndimana ndikhunjuliswa of what could possibly be the worst sex I’ve ever had, bekukho that commitment factor which I just wasn’t ready for. Intsuku ezintathu ziyezagqitha engafowunanga and I thought I was off the hook kodwa that was until she called. Uye wabuza if we could do lunch or “something”. I opted for “something” kuba bendingayazi ukuba u-something uthetha ntoni (for all I know, it could be another session of marathon sex).
Enyanisweni, i-idea yokubanomntu endiphana naye (a sex-buddy) is one endenza ndibalekelwe ligazi. But … why did I have to get a loudmouth, unimaginative … pea-brained, boring woman as my sex-buddy?
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
It makes us do izinto ezi wild ... weird kwakunye nezinto eziphambeneyo. Ngenye yezinto that we spend a great deal of time and energy sizama ukuyifumana. I suppose abo abathi bayifumane banethamsanqa, or are they? Call me a cynical person, kodwa ndinenkolo yokuba uthando doesn’t exist! But then again, given my track record kwinto zasentliziyweni, it’s hardly surprising that ndingacinga kanjalo. Uyokuze uve abahlobo bethetha ubuthuvi about how intandane zabo are just the best things since sliced bread ... okanye how their coming together was something of love at first sight. Kodwa, buza the very same friends kwalombuzo umnye a couple of months down the line, and umamele into ozakuyiva!
Ngohlobo endibona ngalo, uthando – or the thought of being in love, yinto enye that makes us believe in the goodness of the world. Lanto inye isenza ukuba sihleke, silile ... sonwabe about life, even if yonke lonto lasts for inyanga ezimbalwa (or in my case, iiyure nje ezimbalwa!). Ndithe ndakubuza umhlobo wam about what love is, uyewaphendula esithi “love is that one thing that makes you blind, it alienates you from reality...”. Uyewaqhubekeka esithi “compliments are the primary things you live to hear and doubt is your worst enemy” – reffering to the fact that you should always “follow your heart”. If you ask me, yonke lento yothando is just some BIG conspiracy. Esinye isidenge ebesingenanto yokwenza fabricated this whole thing and wasenza ukuba sikholelwe ekubeni uthando exists.
Asked on the feelings that umntu athi azifumane xa esethandweni, umhlobo wam uZolani uye waphendula esithi “I can’t say ... it’s something you have to experience yourself, you feel superior and walk tall above all living beings. You always compare your loved one to other females ...and your loves always comes up tops!”
Kuqala, there’s the uncontrollable smiles, amaphupha angapheliyo ... seeing ubuso besithandwa sakho everywhere (and I mean EVERYWHERE!). And then, emveni kwayo yonke lonto kukho the lies ... the pretence and the heartbreak. And being izidenge esizizo, we’ll do it all again ... all in the name of love!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Emveni kwezindaba ndaqonda ukuba kufuneka ndizamkele qha. Hayi umyeni wam, zang’ afune nokuva. Watsalwa amagazi wenziwa uvavanyo zabuya ezakhe zimbi kakhulu. Kwabonakala ukuba seledinga ukutya amachiza okumelaphisa.
Iintsuku ezalandela zezona zinzima ebomini bam. Ayikho into eyakuphinda indoyise emva kwale. Bendiqala ukubona umntu ozinikezele ekufeni ngomyeni wam. Ebengumntu ophilayo kuba ephefumla kodwa ebesele ezinikezele. Ukuva kwakhe ukuba unengculaza wayeka ngoko ukuphila. Kwakufuneka ukuba ndimcenge ukuze atye iipilisi zakhe. Kodwa akukho nto zazinokuyenza xa umntu ezixelele ngokufa.
Khange ndibenalo nexesha lokucinga ngokugula kwam. Imizamo yam ibisekuboniseni umyeni wam ukuba ikamva lethu lisaqaqambile. Kuzo zonke iinzame zam, yena ukhethe ukufa. Ashiye oonyana bakhe, uncinga bazakumthatha phi utata? Naloonto khange imenze afune ukulwela ubomi bakhe, usuke wancama.
Khang’ afune kuxelela mntu ngesigulo sethu. Uthe wokubhuba wonke umntu wothuka kuba ufe msinyane. Lwaqala ulwimi, abanye bathi ndimthakathile. Abanye besithi ndimbulalele imali yake. Njani? Abantwana bam abanatata. Mna andinamntu wokundincedisa ekuthwaleni lomthwalo ungaka.
Ndithe ndokuxelela unina wathi ndim ophethele unyana wakhe ugawulayo. Ndimxolele kuba ebemthanda unyana wakhe. Yena akafuni kukholelwa ukuba unyana wakhe angabeka ubomi bosapho lwakhe ebungciphekweni.
Abantwana bam ndibaxelele inyani ngokufa kukatata wabo. Abantwana bam ndifuna bayazi inyani ukuze bangenzi lento yenziwe nguyise. Umngcwabo wotata wabo usondele. Futhi andazi nokuba ndizakuthetha ndithini ngokufa kwakhe. Ndicele ukuthetha kuba akho mntu waziyo ngokufa kwakhe njengam.
Andizazi nokuba ndizakuthini kodwa ndizakuthetha inyani.......
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
Kwiinyanga eziliqela ezidlulileyo ndiqalwe sisiluma esindenze ndaya kwagqirha. Wafumanisa ugqirha ukuba ndinengxaki emaqandeni wam. Khange ndikhathazeke kuba nomyeni wam sesinabantwana ababini. Bekukudala wena sithetha ngokuvala, ndaqonda ukuba ndizakusele ndivala. Ugqirha wam wandixelela ukuba izaba luqhaqho oluncinci futhi bekumele ndikwazi ukubuyela emsebenzini emva kweentsuku ezimbalwa.
Emva koqhaqho ndagula kakhulu. Ugqirha wam engazi ukuba yintoni ingxaki. Sagqiba ekubeni andixilonge akhangele zonke izigulo endinokuba nazo. Ndingacinganga nje ndathi kuye andixolongele noGawulayo. Emva kweveki ugqirha wathi zendizokumbona nomyeni wam. Lwaqala uvalo madoda! Kaloku uqhel’undibona ndedwa nje. Kutheni namhlanje wafuna ndize nomyen’am? Mhlawumbi kufuneka enze olunye uqhaqho?
Siye ke noTat’wekhaya. Hayi ishlalise phantsi lendoda. Ndiyibone ukuba aph’ ebusweni ayintlanga kwaphela. Aphele kengoku amathemba kum, andisathethi ke ngovalo endandinalo. Ndithi kuye “Ndixele man mna gqirha andizokwazi ukuhlala apha ndijongene nobubuso bakho. Yinton’ ingxaki?” Athi, “Eh iiresults zibuye zisithi unegciwane likagawulayo.” Khange ndiphinde ndiyive enye into ayithethileyo. Into ebisengqondweni yam ngu “Njani, njani, njani?”
Yenzeka njani into enjalo kum, ndinomyeni?
Thursday, April 01, 2004
We’ve all been there … usele i-glass ezimbalwa (well maybe ezininzi!) zotywala and then you manage to say izinto obukade ucinga ngazo but never had i-guts to say. Le into yenzeka qho xa ndithe “ndafumana” … and then, ndiqalise ukuthetha about all kinds of stupid things, like how ndaxelela itshomi yam ukuba umfazi wayo umhle kakhulu and I wouldn’t mind “giving myself” to her or the time kwi-camp yesikolo after sasela ibhotile ye-brandy that we hid, ndaxelela my (then) recently divorced English teacher that umyeni wakhe wamshiya kuba wayedikiwe by how stuck up she was and nangendlela wayetyebe ngakhona. Lo mini ndiyikhumbula kakuhle, my exact words to her were “Mrs. Smith, everyday I spend about 45 minutes a day in your class, all the time I recall being irritated by your moaning and whining and being downright disgusted by your looks and your lack of style … it’s no wonder your husband dumped your sorry ass … he’s probably in bed with some hot number as we speak coz I can’t imagine you giving anyone a good time in-between the sheets”. Emva koko, my old-fart of a principal came in and wandixelela ukuba after the exams “I was no longer welcomed at Westerford High School”
Ndi-sure ukuba sonke we can relate, not that sonke sathuka ootitshala bethu, but relate to the crazy and wild things we do xa sithe sasela utywala. Owam umnxilo undenza ndicinge ngezinto zobomi and give me i-chance to put things in perspective - I’m probably the only one ocinga ngezinto ezibalulekileyo when drunk! I thought that my “BIG revelation” (See link) would take a huge load off my shoulders but instead, ithe yandinika eminye imithwalo emininzi, oyena mthwalo unzima ingu lo wokuba ndithe ndazibhaqa ndine “boyfriend” whom I was beginning to hate each and every day!
Ukufunda kwam le post (See link) I can’t believe the things endizenzayo xa ndi-sober! I-most yabantu icinga ngezinto ezibhadlileyo when sober but that’s not the case with me. Basically, into endizama ukuyithetha yile yokuba, thinking about it ngoku maybe I’m not gay, maybe I don’t have feelings for Zolile (which would explain why he irritates the fuck out of me right now!) … and maybe, my whole “I’m gay” routine was just a call out for attention (kudala ke ndawathanda amehlo!). I think that being gay is not only just about shagging amanye amadoda (or finding them attractive) but is about the mental and emotional headspace that one is in … and as it stands ngoku, ndidikiwe yiyo yonke lekaka! I just want to feel breasts again, kiss lips that are soft and ndingahlatywa zintshebe zenyindoda and eyona nto ndiyikhumbulayo is the sex! (Good thing I never took things that far with Zolile … I can’t imagine having that “thing” up my ass!)
All in all, not everything oyithethayo xa unxilile iphambene, maybe sometimes you need impambano eninzi before you can make sense of what surrounds you.
There … I’m not gay! I’m just a lonely, perverted, attention-seeking and very much drunk man who needs to get back to his Jack Daniels.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Wazi kanjani ukuba xa umntu esithi uyakuthanda unyanisekile. Ixesha elininzi udibana nabantu ngabantu abakuxelela ukuba bayakuthanda. Kodwa ukuba luthando lokwenyani wazi kanjani?
Ixesha elininzi ndifumanisa ukuba amadoda confuse lust with love. Umntu xa eqala ukukubona into esengqondweni yakhe kukulala nawe. Ekuhambeni kwexesha ekwazi kubengona uthando lukhulayo. Yintoni eyenza amadoda angakhe athi xa ekubona uhamba phaya “I’d like to get to know her mind better” instead of “Damn! She looks fine! I wonder how she is in bed”.
Amadoda always experience love at first sight or is it just lust at first sight? Kodwa ngokwenyani wazi njani ukuba umntu uyamthanda uqala ukumbona. Or is it more a matter of saying nokuba lomntu unazo ifaults that I may not like, I’m willing to live with them. Love at first sigh is a huge leap of faith, in my opinion. Kuba lomntu awazi nokuba ingqondo yakhe injani. Futhi awazi nokuba akukho nto ngaye enokudika. Uthatha zonke ezo-doubts uzibeke ecaleni kuba kukho into ngalomntu ekwenza uqiniseke that you can withstand anything unpleasant about him or her. Ekuqaleni awucingi nokucinga about the unpleasant things cause we tend to put the people we love on a pedastal.
It does not matter what faults the one you love has, uzakuhlala uzixolela kuba kaloku uyamthanda. Akukho nto singayinyamezeliyo ekuqaleni ngenxa yedangabi lothando elivutha kakhulu. Kulula nokuxolela kuba nesithandwa sakho asenzi zinto zinkulu as the love is still new and searing hot! Kodwa xa idangabi liyekile ukuvutha kusala ntoni? Abantu abaninzi baye bohlukane at this point because there was nothing but the hot flame of lust between them. The excuse they give would be, uthando luphelile.
Ewe there might be such a thing as love at first sight but you have to make sure that it is really love and not lust. Because once the flame dies down and there is nothing beyond it, your relationship is doomed to fail.
Monday, March 15, 2004
Ndifumanise ukuba indoda yam ilale nelinye ihulazana. Ndathi xa ndimbuza waphika wathi “Ucinga ukuba mna sweetie ndinokulala nalamntu ulalwa ngumntu wonke? Hayi ke noko ndiyazithanda mna” Nam sibhanxa ndaqhatheka. Futhi ndithe ndokujonga mna nelahule andayibona into enokufunwa ngumntu wam kuye. I mean uyindoda egrand yena futhi uyayazi ukuba ndimpha kangoko efuna ebhedini futhi kamnandi. Yintoni ke enokumenza abeke ubomi bakhe esichengeni ngokulala nehulazana lentombi.
Bendingaqondanga ukuba emadodeni ikuku, yikuku qha. Akukhathaliseki nokuba ikweyiphi ipackage as long as iyikuku indoda izakuyitya. Uyakufika besithi “Ibengeyonto nje baby, andimthandi nokumthanda lamntana. Ndileli naye qha!”. Ngathi ukulala oko akubalulekanga. Kaloku thina mantombazana isilalo nothando is one and the same thing. Kanti emadodeni zizinto ezahlukileyo. Bona bayakwazi ukulala nawe bengakuthandi futhi umntu de ahlalisane nawe kuba efuna ukufumana ikuku rhoqo. Basoloko befuna ukuba thina si-understande ukuba bangamadoda and bayabatywa. Ngathi thina asibatywa. Wakhe wayibona phi indoda ethi hayi ekukwini especially eza kuye on a silver platter. Futhi nathi siyabaxolela kuba sisithi siyabathanda futhi soze sibafumane abahlukileyo. I just think that amadoda think with incanca yabo too much!
Kodwa wena mawukhe utyiwe yenye indoda nje, ibangathi you have commited a mortal sin. Bacinga ukuba sizakunyamezela njani ukubabukela befaka iincanca zabo kwezikuku. Lamsindo nobuhlungu babuvayo xa besiva ukuba batyelwe bobu nathi sibuvayo everytime behamba besitya. Mna andifuni nokuba niziqhathe nicinge ukuba thina asityiwa xa nisitya. Sityiwa nqo. Futhi thina siyanogqitha apha ekuxokeni nasekuphikeni izinto. Thina sine-files of every lie we have ever told and qho sisoloko sixoka to cover it all up. Nina you just lie to cover your last lie. That is why we are so good at hiding it xa utyelwa. Xa uyibhaqile intombi kuzobe ibifuna ukubhaqwa.
Kaloku ikuku ayixeli xa ikhe yatyiwa. Futhi ibamnandi gqitha kuba kuzobe idumbile. Uyakufika urheme ethe nca engazi ukuba uyitya ityiwe. Futhi ke thina xa sinomntu osityayo already sibanothando gqitha apha kuwe kuba siphethwe sisazela. Asifani nani thina, nina xa nithe ti yintombi entsha - Nigeza! Hayi thina sikholwa kukwenza izinto xa kumnandi so that ungayazi nento eqhubekayo. Sivele sikugqebhe idumakazi ungacingelanga.
So ndoda ukuba ukhe walala namanye amantombazana more than once and your partner knows about it.
Chances are uyitya ityiwe bhuti!